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04 August 2011

How it Happens

When I was a teenager I wondered how perfectly normal, often stylish men turned into fashion-clueless, somewhat embarrassing men. My dad's dad did. Old pictures of him show a fit, well-dressed ladies man. My dad did. Mom has shown me photos of him as a younger man and he was smoooooth. But, somehow he became a man who seemed to not care about how he dressed and would even flaunt this fact much to my embarrassment. He was certainly fit, but still had that little belly all men his age seem to sport.

Well, this summer was the year I joined these men. Now,  I am not professing to have ever been all that stylish or nearly as smooth as my predecessors were, but I did care how I looked and was likely not teased about it, up until this summer.

Here is how it happens and how it will happen to all of you out there who think it won't:

First, you'll get skin cancer. No, really, you will. If you don't it will be more unusual than if you do. Sorry. It likely won't be the scary kind but enough that it will change how you view the sky. Because of it, you will find yourself lurking in the shade while all the 39-year-old dads are in the sun with their kids. You'll also buy a large, dorky hat and wear it all the time. It will become your trademark. It will be khaki.

Then you'll get plantar fascitiis. You see, one of the reasons you were so cool is that you worked out, maybe too hard or incorrectly and now your feet hurt all the time. So, off to the store to buy some sandals that feel SO good. Away go your cool-dad flip-flops and on go the orthopedic sandals.

Here's the kicker: You like your new sandals so much you want to wear them when it is cold out. So, yep, you put on socks. And why not pull 'em up to protect more of your skin while you're at it!?

Then you spend the summer sitting around because you are recovering from your skin cancer removal and your feet still hurt. Because you live in Vietnam and can't get good beer, you decide to try all the beer your homeland makes so well--and they make a lot well (including your brother who makes the best beer of all). The results of all these wonderful beverages is a cute little belly you did not have before. You're not overweight really, but you are rounder in the middle and you see why things you own might not always fit.

So, the summer ends and you show up and work and your teaching assistant says: "You look older and fatter." (which she means as a compliment by the way). And you are.

THAT is when your sense of humor becomes really important. You can: a) become bitter or b) use it as a way to embarrass your kids to the delight of others your age. "b" is much more fun as it brings smiles and laughter. "a" is just someone nobody wants to hang with.

My father was an awesome man and any steps I can take that bring me closer to being like him, I'm all for. The funky hat, sandals with socks and small beer belly I'm nurturing however will need attention this coming year, just to see if I can put this chapter off a few more months.

4 comments:

  1. Lovely, Mike. I laughed and laughed. You're a brilliant comic writer. Hugs, Mom

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  2. Wow. That's all she could say was "wow."

    I love being married to the "older and fatter" and the fun-loving awesome Mike.

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  3. Can't wait to pat your little belly. Does it bring luck? As for sandals with socks — say it ain't so!

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  4. Hey Rob just bought the same hat - but I'm not saying it's dorky or anything. And.. he had to put special face cream on to get rid of precancerous cells that left scabs and peeling skin. You've got a buddy!

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